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The highway, near Gadshill.
Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINTZ
POINTZ
Come, shelter, shelter: I have removed Falstaff’s horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet.
PRINCE HENRY
Stand close.
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
Pointz! Pointz, and be hanged! Pointz!
PRINCE HENRY
Peace, ye fat-kidney’d rascal! what a brawling dost thou keep!
FALSTAFF
Where’s Pointz, Hal?
PRINCE HENRY
He is walked up to the top of the hill: I’ll go seek him.
FALSTAFF
I am accursed to rob in that thief’s company: the rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the squier further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I ’scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time this two and twenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the rogue’s company. If the rascal hath not given me medicines to make me love him, I’ll be hanged; it could not be else: I have drunk medicines.—Pointz!—Hal!—a plague upon you both!—Bardolph!—Peto!—I’ll starve ere I’ll rob a foot further. An ’twere not as good a deed as drink, to turn true man and to leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me; and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough: a plague upon it when thieves cannot be true one to another!
They whistle
Whew!—A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues; give me my horse, and be hanged!
PRINCE HENRY
Peace, ye fat-guts! lie down; lay thine ear close to the ground and list if thou canst hear the tread of travellers.
FALSTAFF
Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? ’Sblood, I’ll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot again for all the coin in thy father’s exchequer. What a plague mean ye to colt me thus?
PRINCE HENRY
Thou liest; thou art not colted, thou art uncolted.
FALSTAFF
I prithee, good Prince Hal, help me to my horse, good king’s son.
PRINCE HENRY
Out, ye rogue! shall I be your ostler?
FALSTAFF
Go, hang thyself in thine own heir-apparent garters! If I be ta’en, I’ll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all and sung to filthy tunes, let a cup of sack be my poison:—when a jest is so forward, and afoot too!—I hate it.
Enter GADSHILL, BARDOLPH and PETO
GADSHILL
Stand.
FALSTAFF
So I do, against my will.
POINTZ
O, ’tis our setter: I know his voice. Bardolph, what news?
BARDOLPH
Case ye, case ye; on with your vizards: there ’s money of the king’s coming down the hill; ’tis going to the king’s exchequer.
FALSTAFF
You lie, ye rogue; ’tis going to the king’s tavern.
GADSHILL
There’s enough to make us all.
FALSTAFF
To be hanged.
PRINCE HENRY
Sirs, you four shall front them in the narrow lane; Ned Pointz and I will walk lower: if they ’scape from your encounter, then they light on us.
PETO
How many be there of them?
GADSHILL
Some eight or ten.
FALSTAFF
’Zounds, will they not rob us?
PRINCE HENRY
What, a coward, Sir John Paunch?
FALSTAFF
Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but yet no coward, Hal.
PRINCE HENRY
Well, we leave that to the proof.
POINTZ
Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge: when thou needest him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand fast.
FALSTAFF
Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged.
PRINCE HENRY
Ned, where are our disguises?
POINTZ
Here, hard by: stand close.
[Exeunt Prince Henry and Pointz
FALSTAFF
Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I: every man to his business.
Enter the TRAVELLERS
FIRST TRAVELLER
Come, neighbour: the boy shall lead our horses down the hill; we’ll walk afoot awhile, and ease our legs.
THIEVES
Stand!
TRAVELLERS
Jesus bless us!
FALSTAFF
Strike; down with them; cut the villains’ throats:—ah! whoreson caterpillars! bacon-fed knaves! they hate us youth:—down with them: fleece them.
TRAVELLERS
O, we are undone, both we and ours for ever!
FALSTAFF
Hang ye, gorbellied knaves, are ye undone? No, ye fat chuffs: I would your store were here! On, bacons, on! What, ye knaves! young men must live. You are Grand-jurors, are ye? we’ll jure ye, ’faith.
[Here they rob them and bind them. Exeunt
Re-enter PRINCE HENRY and POINTZ
PRINCE HENRY
The thieves have bound the true men. Now could thou and I rob the thieves and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month and a good jest for ever.
POINTZ
Stand close; I hear them coming.
Enter the THIEVES again
FALSTAFF
Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the Prince and Pointz be not two arrant cowards, there’s no equity stirring: there’s no more valour in that Pointz than in a wild-duck.
PRINCE HENRY
Your money!
POINTZ
Villains!
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[As they are sharing, the PRINCE and POINTZ set upon them; they all run away; and Falstaff, after a blow or two, runs away too, leaving the booty behind them
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PRINCE HENRY
Got with much ease. Now merrily to horse:
The thieves are all scatter’d and possess’d with fear
So strongly that they dare not meet each other;
Each takes his fellow for an officer.
Away, good Ned. Falstaff sweats to death,
And lards the lean earth as he walks along:
Were ’t not for laughing, I should pity him.
POINTZ
How the rogue roar’d!
[Exeunt
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