FALSTAFF
Sirrah, you giant, what says the doctor to my water?

    PAGE
He said, sir, the water itself was a good healthy water; but, for the party that owed it, he might have more diseases than he knew for.

    FALSTAFF
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me: the brain of this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent anything that tends to laughter, more than I invent or is invented on me: I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off, why then I have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. I was never manned with an agate till now: but I will inset you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master, for a jewel,—the juvenal, the prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledged. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand than he shall get one on his cheek; and yet he will not stick to say his face is a face-royal: God may finish it when he will, ’tis not a hair amiss yet: he may keep it still at a face-royal, for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it; and yet he’ll be crowing as if he had writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he’s almost out of mine, I can assure him.—What said Master Dombledon about the satin for my short cloak and my slops?

    PAGE
He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph: he would not take his band and yours; he liked not the security.

    FALSTAFF
Let him be damned, like the glutton! pray God his tongue be hotter!—A whoreson Achitophel! a rascally yea-forsooth knave! to bear a gentleman in hand, and then stand upon security!—The whoreson smooth-pates do now wear nothing but high shoes, and bunches of keys at their girdles; and if a man is through with them in honest taking up, then they must stand upon security. I had as lief they would put ratsbane in my mouth as offer to stop it with security. I looked he should have sent me two and twenty yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me security. Well, he may sleep in security; for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it: and yet cannot he see, though he have his own lanthorn to light him.—Where’s Bardolph?

    PAGE
He’s gone into Smithfield to buy your worship a horse.

    FALSTAFF
I bought him in Paul’s, and he’ll buy me a horse in Smithfield: an I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed, and wived.

    PAGE
Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the Prince for striking him about Bardolph.

    FALSTAFF
Wait, close; I will not see him.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
What’s he that goes there?

    SERVANT
Falstaff, an’t please your lordship.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
He that was in question for the robbery?

    SERVANT
He, my lord: but he hath since done good service at Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the Lord John of Lancaster.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
What, to York? Call him back again.

    SERVANT
Sir John Falstaff!

    FALSTAFF
Boy, tell him I am deaf.

    PAGE
You must speak louder; my master is deaf.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
I am sure he is, to the hearing of any thing good.—Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.

    SERVANT
Sir John!—

    FALSTAFF
What! a young knave, and begging! Is there not wars? is there not employment? doth not the king lack subjects? do not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.

    SERVANT
You mistake me, sir.

    FALSTAFF
Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? setting my knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat, if I had said so.

    SERVANT
I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and our soldiership aside; and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I am any other than an honest man.

    FALSTAFF
I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that which grows to me! if thou gettest any leave of me, hang me; if thou takest leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter: hence! avaunt!

    SERVANT
Sir, my lord would speak with you.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.

    FALSTAFF
My good lord!—God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to see your lordship abroad: I heard say your lordship was sick: I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though not clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some relish of the saltness of time; and I must humbly beseech your lordship to have a reverent care of your health.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.

    FALSTAFF
An’t please your lordship, I hear his majesty is returned with some discomfort from Wales.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
I talk not of his majesty:—you would not come when I sent for you.

    FALSTAFF
And I hear, moreover, his highness is fallen into this same whoreson apoplexy.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, God mend him! I pray you, let me speak with you.

    FALSTAFF
This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy, an’t please your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
What tell you me of it? be it as it is.

    FALSTAFF
It hath its original from much grief, from study and perturbation of the brain: I have read the cause of his effects in Galen: it is a kind of deafness.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
I think you are fallen into the disease; for you hear not what I say to you.

    FALSTAFF
Very well, my lord, very well: rather, an’t please you, it is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that I am troubled withal.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your ears; and I care not if I do become your physician.

    FALSTAFF
I am as poor as Job, my lord, but not so patient: your lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me in respect of poverty; but how should I be your patient to follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or indeed a scruple itself.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your life, to come speak with me.

    FALSTAFF
As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this land-service, I did not come.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, the truth is, Sir John, you live in great infamy.

    FALSTAFF
He that buckles him in my belt cannot live in less.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.

    FALSTAFF
I would it were otherwise; I would my means were greater, and my waist slenderer.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
You have misled the youthful prince.

    FALSTAFF
The young prince hath misled me: I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound: your day’s service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s-hill: you may thank the unquiet time for your quiet o’er-posting that action.

    FALSTAFF
My lord?—

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.

    FALSTAFF
To wake a wolf is as bad as to smell a fox.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.

    FALSTAFF
A wassail candle, my lord, all tallow: if I did say of wax, my growth would approve the truth.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
There is not a white hair on your face but should have his effect of gravity.

    FALSTAFF
His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.

    FALSTAFF
Not so, my lord; your ill angel is light; but I hope he that looks upon me will take me without weighing: and yet, in some respects, I grant, I cannot go:—I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard in these costermonger times that true valour is turned bear-herd: pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings: all the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the capacities of us that are young; you do measure the heat of our livers with the bitterness of your galls: and we that are in the vaward of our youth, I must confess, are wags too.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye? a dry hand? a yellow cheek? a white beard? a decreasing leg? an increasing belly? is not your voice broken? your wind short? your chin double? your wit single? and every part about you blasted with antiquity? and will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!

    FALSTAFF
My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly. For my voice,—I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not: the truth is, I am only old in judgment and understanding; and he that will caper with me for a thousand marks, let him lend me the money, and have at him! For the box of the ear that the prince gave you,—he gave it like a rude prince, and you took it like a sensible lord. I have chequed him for it, and the young lion repents; marry, not in ashes and sackcloth, but in new silk and old sack.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, God send the prince a better companion!

    FALSTAFF
God send the companion a better prince! I cannot rid my hands of him.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, the king hath severed you and Prince Harry: I hear you are going with Lord John of Lancaster against the Archbishop and the Earl of Northumberland.

    FALSTAFF
Yea; I thank your pretty sweet wit for it. But look you pray, all you that kiss my lady Peace at home, that our armies join not in a hot day; for, by the Lord, I take but two shirts out with me, and I mean not to sweat extraordinarily: if it be a hot day, and I brandish any thing but a bottle, I would I might never spit white again. There is not a dangerous action can peep out his head but I am thrust upon it: well, I cannot last ever: but it was alway yet the trick of our English nation, if they have a good thing, to make it too common. If ye will needs say I am an old man, you should give me rest. I would to God my name were not so terrible to the enemy as it is: I were better to be eaten to death with a rust than to be scoured to nothing with perpetual motion.

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Well, be honest, be honest; and God bless your expedition!

    FALSTAFF
Will your lordship lend me a thousand pound to furnish me forth?

    LORD CHIEF-JUSTICE
Not a penny, not a penny; you are too impatient to bear crosses. Fare you well: commend me to my cousin Westmoreland.

    FALSTAFF
If I do, fillip me with a three-man beetle.—A man can no more separate age and covetousness than he can part young limbs and lechery: but the gout galls the one, and the pox pinches the other; and so both the degrees prevent my curses.—Boy!—

    PAGE
Sir?

    FALSTAFF
What money is in my purse?

    PAGE
Seven groats and two pence.

    FALSTAFF
I can get no remedy against this consumption of the purse: borrowing only lingers and lingers it out, but the disease is incurable.—Go bear this letter to my Lord of Lancaster; this to the prince; this to the Earl of Westmoreland; and this to old Mistress Ursula, whom I have weekly sworn to marry since I perceived the first white hair on my chin. About it: you know where to find me.